It's hard to avoid mentioning politics in Lebanon. Politics is life here. The Lebanese watch the news (all fourteen or so local channels, staggered to afford maximum viewing possibilities) with a dedication that astounds me. When there has been some surge in unrest or a violent event I see why they turn on their tellies, of course. They have a certain interest in knowing whether it's business as usual in the city that day or whether they should be throwing some clothes and food into the trunk of the car and getting out of Beirut till the trouble blows over.
But they don't just watch the news to get the facts, that's the catch. When there is no news on, they watch political talk shows. And believe me when I say that no one can talk like a Lebanese politician. They simply never run out of things to say. They talk and talk and every time I pass in front of a Lebanese tv I see one of the dozen or so central politicians on there, talking almost without pause, for hours. It makes my brain shrivel up.
I've tried to take a stand. I make jokes to my in-laws that so-and-so made that exact speech seven years ago and is simply recycling it. Or that I have reason to suspect the leader of such-and-such a party actually died in the mid-nineties and they've been playing old recorded interviews ever since.
The in-laws are not amused.
When M interrupts me in the middle of a riveting recollection of how I spent my day to say, "Sorry, but I just want to watch the start of the news," I respond with my habitual good humour.
"Oh, sure, I understand. They've got that party leader on tonight and it's rumoured he's going to say something. Good heavens, turn up the volume, I don't want to miss a thing."
Then I go into the kitchen and light myself on fire.
That's about the shape of things around here. I find watching the skin form on a pudding more interesting than following politics. And Canadian politics are the driest of any. It's the feeling of impotency that is behind my apathy, I suppose. I care deeply about my country, even though I don't live there anymore, but how I can I possibly know which person will run it best? From the words they say?
We may as well judge prospective prime ministers by their hair. Just look at Stephen Harper's masterful do. It's positively other-worldly. I have never seen anyone with hair so solid-looking, so bonded into a single, unbreachable unit. It reminds me of nothing so much as the hair on the 1970's Ken doll who, sadly, had only a painted outcropping on his skull to serve as hair, whereas Barbie had a full, luscious mane of genuine nylon filaments. Harper's hair looks like it was popped out of a mould in one piece, as if he could peel it off his head and substitute a helmet in its place, if he wanted to, like the little Lego men who can wear hair or a knight's helmet but not both at the same time.
No one could fail to be impressed by Harper's hair but I can never look upon it without a feeling of disquiet stealing over me. Why doesn't his hair move around like ordinary hair? What's he hiding under there?
Unfortunately, no one seems to want my opinion when it comes to such matters. My strengths as a political analyst have largely gone unappreciated. But that's okay with me. As I said, I have better things to do with my time than think about politics. I've got some towels drying on the line right now that I could go and watch.
But they don't just watch the news to get the facts, that's the catch. When there is no news on, they watch political talk shows. And believe me when I say that no one can talk like a Lebanese politician. They simply never run out of things to say. They talk and talk and every time I pass in front of a Lebanese tv I see one of the dozen or so central politicians on there, talking almost without pause, for hours. It makes my brain shrivel up.
I've tried to take a stand. I make jokes to my in-laws that so-and-so made that exact speech seven years ago and is simply recycling it. Or that I have reason to suspect the leader of such-and-such a party actually died in the mid-nineties and they've been playing old recorded interviews ever since.
The in-laws are not amused.
When M interrupts me in the middle of a riveting recollection of how I spent my day to say, "Sorry, but I just want to watch the start of the news," I respond with my habitual good humour.
"Oh, sure, I understand. They've got that party leader on tonight and it's rumoured he's going to say something. Good heavens, turn up the volume, I don't want to miss a thing."
Then I go into the kitchen and light myself on fire.
That's about the shape of things around here. I find watching the skin form on a pudding more interesting than following politics. And Canadian politics are the driest of any. It's the feeling of impotency that is behind my apathy, I suppose. I care deeply about my country, even though I don't live there anymore, but how I can I possibly know which person will run it best? From the words they say?
We may as well judge prospective prime ministers by their hair. Just look at Stephen Harper's masterful do. It's positively other-worldly. I have never seen anyone with hair so solid-looking, so bonded into a single, unbreachable unit. It reminds me of nothing so much as the hair on the 1970's Ken doll who, sadly, had only a painted outcropping on his skull to serve as hair, whereas Barbie had a full, luscious mane of genuine nylon filaments. Harper's hair looks like it was popped out of a mould in one piece, as if he could peel it off his head and substitute a helmet in its place, if he wanted to, like the little Lego men who can wear hair or a knight's helmet but not both at the same time.
No one could fail to be impressed by Harper's hair but I can never look upon it without a feeling of disquiet stealing over me. Why doesn't his hair move around like ordinary hair? What's he hiding under there?
Unfortunately, no one seems to want my opinion when it comes to such matters. My strengths as a political analyst have largely gone unappreciated. But that's okay with me. As I said, I have better things to do with my time than think about politics. I've got some towels drying on the line right now that I could go and watch.
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